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posted by Lucy V Morgan on

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If you've read Beautiful Mess, you'll be familiar with Olly, Bailey's lewd, crude and slightly hopeless room-mate. At the end of April, he'll be starring in his own book (details here). Here's a little bit of what you can expect:

I'm going to let you in on a little secret now: this is an Olly Harris speciality, perfected through years of practise. It's not often that I cook, but nobody does this better than me.
It's important to get the choice of bread right for this recipe. Girls pretend they don't care about this stuff, but did you just hear that conversation? Castles and shoes that cost the same as cars? It's Valentine's, so roll out the good stuff. I've gone with a malt blend with pumpkin seeds because Chan loves healthy crap and I'm considerate like that. It's organic, so it might even cure cancer or give me a blow job. That's just how ace this bread is.
The next step is equally important. You have to be really exacting with the temperature. You're aiming for a crisp, caramelised brown; about eighty five seconds should do it. While they tick away, you should be warming a bit of butter--cheat and do it in the microwave so long as you don't melt it to a pool of rancid crap. Then it's time to bring your two ingredients together in a slow-mo rugby tackle of carbs and lard. (Don't actually do that. I'm just trying to be entertaining and stuff, and repeatedly whacking a pat of butter like a retard will lead to a mess that your girlfriend then has to clean up).
(Ha. I wouldn't really make her clean it up. Well. Maybe if she bent over and I was allowed to video the whole thing.)
“Ol.” Linc walks towards me in a clean shirt. “What you up to?”
I hold the plate up. “Special Valentine's tea for Chan.”
“Dude.” He glances between me and the food several times. “That's toast.”
I bring the plate back in defensively. “Toast just the way she likes it.”
“What, with a side order of roaring ineptitude?”

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