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"On a visceral level, women enjoy violence perpetrated against them."


posted by Lucy V Morgan on

6 comments

Erm...no. No, we don't, OneSTDV. The clue in that quote is "perpetrated" because it does not acknowledge consent.

You do know what consent is, don't you, OneSTDV? It's that part where we say "this is okay." It's not implicit just because we are women who apparently like to be knocked around. Sometimes there might be rules; sometimes not. But never, ever is it okay to abuse a woman because "rape narratives appear in almost every romance novel and a moderated version currently drives the Twilight phenomenon in which vampire Edward wants to kill his lover Bella."

I try not to rise to this stuff--the article I'm quoting admits its misogynist roots--and yet if this made just one girl question her reasoning behind wanting a man to be rough in bed or made her hestitant to stand up for herself, it has done women in general a disservice. As someone who writes about rough sex and BDSM, I feel it responsible to point out what a great load of slimy batshit it is to suggest that women actually welcome domestic abuse; that it is somehow the natural way of things.

Do you know what a rape fantasy is? I've talked about it here:

"Rape fantasy: A scenario where a woman is 'forced' into sex but enjoys it on whatever level pleases her kink, and suffers no traumatising after-effects, under the pleasing insinuation that our "hero" wants the heroine so much, he can't take no for an answer. Intended to be erotic, but is sometimes miswritten as a vicious act that mentally scars our heroine for the often misguided purpose of pleasure through self-pity and flagellation."


Not everyone knows the difference between rape fantasy and real, life-devouring rape. In a rape fantasy, the "victim" is in control. A lot of novels confuse rape fantasy with actual rape--it's sad, and symptomatic of a world where admitting to the fantasy is still apparently wrong. This makes for a world where silly teenage girls can only express what is a quite natural BDSM curiosity by saying sensationalist things like "I'd let Chris Brown beat me," because they're not familiar with risk-aware frameworks or safety words. But it's also symptomatic of a time not so long ago when a lot of women didn't have the power of "consent."

Let me remind you again, "mostly academic" OneSTDV, what symptomatic means: it is not the root of a problem. It is an offshoot, a consequence of an innate problem. In this incidence, the innate problem is inequality between genders. Yes, it is a problem; we may have a little more or less flesh between our legs but the world sure sucks when we're continually pitted against each other. Ever wondered if maybe that's what sex is for, besides the obvious? An opportunity to even the playing field, to get these power kinks out of our system so we don't end up taking out the urges on those undeserving, those who have not said this is okay?

"Abused women appear oddly reticent to leave abusive men." I'm not going to go into the many reasons this is a twisted thing to say; I'm just going to point out the use of the word oddly. It implies something scathing and ignorant. Or perhaps OneSTDV was just amused by writing it. I suspect the latter.

"On a visceral level, women enjoy violence perpetrated against them." Do some women enjoy a little violence for sexual, physical pleasure? Yes, they do. So do some men. Are we saying it's okay to abuse men too? Apparently not. Why are we even equating sexual violence with domestic abuse? Cancel out adrenaline and they don't even deal with the same hormonal responses on a chemical level. Good sex, nomatter how brutal, leaves you with self-esteem intact, even if you get off on feeling like you don't deserve any. Domestic abuse does not.

Reader: please never feel that because you desire to submit to a man for kicks, you are somehow deserving of manipulation and abuse; that it exempts you from calling yourself a feminist; that because some writers do not know how to correctly relate a rape fantasy, all women somehow want to be raped. It's not true. It's an ignorant and uninformed perspective, and a poisonous one at that.

I know a couple of very nice men who would identify as alpha. Not one of them, despite his various kinks and desires, would ever think that raping or abusing a woman is okay. A proper alpha knows where to leave the power play and that's on that visceral level. He is never a perpetrator; he is a partner within an equal consent.

Consent. Got that? Consent.

Thanks to Erotic Romance Publishers for bringing this article to my attention.

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